Introducing UConnFB’s Newest Writer: Mouth

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    When BobDiacosHair offered me an opportunity to write for this blog, I immediately jumped on it. I grew up a big UConn football fan. I just graduated from UConn, so I spent my pre-pubescent years going to a bunch of games during the “Randy Edsall Era.” I crushed some tailgates, won some shitty CDs at the Hot 93.7 booth, got called tubby on the obstacle course, snagged some sips of my dad’s beer because I like foreshadowing future problems, and threw the ball further than Chad Pennington, which always bummed me out because I’m a Jets fan. Seriously, when it comes to throwing down field, I’d rather have Orlovsky, or fuck, maybe even someone with a flaccid cock for an arm as my NFL QB. Either way, I was doing childish shit. I wasn’t paying attention to the coach, players, or anything actually pertinent; but ever since I started truly caring about the team, I’ve never been so enthralled by a single person other than Bob Diaco

    I know a girl (sick!) who works at a restaurant in Glastonbury, Connecticut that Diaco goes to occasionally. Whenever he arrives, the waitresses get very excited, if you know what I mean. I’m talking completely waterlogged! She told me that his presence, his personal aura, is the most intimidating experience any of them have ever been subjected to. When he orders, he does not look at the menu, but rather directly into their eyes, never once breaking eye contact. Never. They look away, but he persists. It’s a move that would make anyone else look like a fucking psychopath, but this is Diaco we’re talking about.

    Some of you may have read the quotes from last week. He talked about his three-step phase, which basically takes quotes from rap songs and makes sense of them. He mentioned having a successful finish, which I thought meant lasting more than thirty seconds in bed, but he ended up alluding to running the fuck out of his team over the offseason. Finally, he compared football to cooking, and mixing up fish oil and vanilla:

    “I love to cook. You’re going to make a vanilla cake. You reach into the pantry and grab a jar that looks like vanilla and you put it in there—but you grab the fish oil. Now you have a fish cake. And the jars look the same. The jar of vanilla looks very similar to the jar of fish oil. It would be very easy to do, but how different it would taste… It’s important that with even one new ingredient, one new change that we re-put the whole thing back together.”

    Yeah, he tied that shit back to football! Albeit, some of these quotes were out there, but I never once thought to myself, “What the fuck is this guy talking about?” I just bought it and ate it up, almost as if he were staring right into my eyes, making my dick sweat while he orders chicken alla vodka. I’m drinking the Kool-Aid because that’s what UConnFB is about.

    All in all, if thinking these quotes make more sense than basic addition and subtraction makes me a psycho, then put me in a straight jacket and lock me up in a room full of mattresses and quadruple amputees. Why? Because I’m convinced we will be elite, and we will be a force in the Big XII with a leader like Diaco. Cuff me boys.

    Quote source: Twitter: @chrambrose

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